1 post tagged “conan o'brien graduation speech”

This is graduation speech delivered by Late Night with Conan O’Brien’s host Conan O’Brien (obviously) to the Stuyvesant High School Class of 2006.

Alright, yeeaaaah!  I said yeeaaaah!  Thank you.  Thank you graduating seniors, faculty, parents….(several girls shout “we love you Conan!”) I love you too sir.  Thank you graduating seniors, faculty, parents, SAT tutors, college placement coaches, jealous siblings, grandparents who have no idea who I am…  (applause)  “Who is this horrible man?” and people who wandered in accidentally because they have season tickets to Lincoln center.Before I begin, I’d like to thank you for inviting me today.  Over the years, I have been asked to give commencement speeches at many prestigious institutions.  Just last year, I was offered fifty thousand dollars to speak at a graduation.  But I said, “you go to hell, Bronx Science!”  (applause)  Then they said “sixty thousand!”  And I took it but I never showed up!  Man, those guys are idiots.

Hang on, grandma.  “What’s happening?”  I am truly honored to be here today.  Of course when I first got the call no one mentioned I’d have to show up at 8:45 in the morning and wear a dress.  By the way, true story, I am wearing a ceremonial robe decorated in the colors of my Alma Mater, Harvard University.  (applause)  But I choose to wear it because it’s the fastest way to let everyone know I’m a pompous, self-important jackass. (applause)  I’ll go to Starbucks later, “I’ll have a mocha latte, BUT DON’T STAIN MY ROBE!”  By the way, if you’re curious, yes, under this thing I am going commando. (students “woo”-ing)  I call it “Conando.”   That was dumb.

I’m especially honored because I was told it was the students who wanted me to be here today.  It’s very flattering to know I was up there with your other first choices, skateboarder Tony Hawk and Bow Wow.  This is a sentimental occasion for me, because I remember my own high school graduation so very well.  Just like you, I sat in a large auditorium, daydreaming about experiences yet to come — college, my first job, puberty… thirty eight.

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